A VERY SERIOUS(!) Letter to the Free State ANC Youth League

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Dear comrades,

I have just written and published a book, and by the look of things, it could need to be burnt. I wish to know what I should do so that you can burn it.

Do I organise its launch where you will come and tear off pages and trash it on the floor? Or do I submit it at a pre-arranged bonfire to be held at a dumpsite of my choice? Please marn, comrades, this book is just bad and full of propaganda, and I like the fact you know what to do with such books.

I have had some books in the past which are full of propaganda and did not know what to do with them. I am so glad that you have cottoned on the fact that such books deserve hell fires. What a brilliant idea! I doff my pantsula beret to the guy who came with this. I suspect that he could be related with me. The two of us are one of kind. Kindred spirits, actually!

I am well known for brilliant ideas since my kindergarten days. Once in Port Elizabeth, where I grew up as a young boy, I was troubled by a small cat. (Apologies to animal rights persons and the SPCA. I shall donate R5 to the tin near the till at Spar.) It occurred to me then that I should arrange a meeting between the cat and some stone that was peacefully lying near a kitchen coop. The cat was the one to regret that meeting though it did not shuffle off this mortal coil. You have reminded me of what I should have done. Brilliant chaps, you are!

Now, this is what I want to know as I shall be attending your latest bonfire to be held in the Free State (never mind the irony of burning books in a ‘free state’): Is there some monetary compensation for book owners? Books, as you may well know, cost money and serious money at that! I would love to submit my book to be thoroughly burnt as long as I shall be compensated for the effort put in writing it. Propaganda does not come cheap, fellas. It is something to be paid dearly for.

I love the fact that you decided to defy the mother body – the ANC – which had distanced itself from the SG Ace Magashule and said he should handle the controversy on his own. I just love defiant people like you. I am also as defiant as they come. I seem to remember defying my mother who once woke me up and told me I should go and pee. I simply peed on the very bed I was sleeping on. See? Who has to listen to mothers anyway?

Some crazy folks say that you are giving the book maximum publicity by burning it. These folks, who can’t even stand on one leg when they are sozzled, say people will be desperate to know what it’s in the book that merits its being burnt.

Silly dunderheads!

How can they not know that it means the more people buy the book, the more it creates volunteers to donate books to be burnt? Buying more copies of the book adds to your devilish advantage. You can now start organising other bonfires across the Free State. I suggest that the next one should be on a weekend, say on a Sunday. It can be quite chilly on the day before Monday, more so if you don’t have money to burn at the nearest watering hole. Warming yourself by a bonfire works perfectly well as you ponder your life and wish you had one or two to down.

Don’t you dare worry about those who ask whether you shall be using the organisation’s money to buy books to be burnt. They may as well donate books to be burnt to make a big bonfire. Whose money is it, anyway?

I would love to dispel the rumours that are circulating that you have promised to burn even computers that have online versions of the book. You are more civilised than that. Those effing gadgets will burn in hell with their darned owners!

For those who have already read the book, this I what I suggest you do: Re-educate them. A good rubber hammer on the head is known as a perfect educational tool. Not only does it leave bumps in the offending head, it also clears a person of all filthy stuff and thoughts. After some days a person will feel lightheaded. I must confess, fellas, you are light years away of everyone else in your thinking.

Till we meet in the next bonfire,

Yours in the struggle against knowledge,

Lolonga

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