Economics by Cows

A collection of cattle related political jokes to lighten up your day.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell some milk, make a profit, buy more cows and make an even bigger profit, and so on. Everyone thinks you are evil for doing this. You know this because you read their mean tweets which they sent from their iPhones.

Socialism: You have two cows, both of which are owned by the state. You milk them with inefficient government-sponsored means while being provided with free food. Eventually, when there is no more free food, you starve.

Communism: You have two cows. They wander away because you can’t own property. You starve to death.

Fascism: You have two cows. One day, you wonder ‘What if I had three cows?’ The State deems this violence and shoots you.

Keynesianism: You have two cows. A hurricane rips through your farm and destroys the barn and the fence. You are forced to sell the cows in order to repair the farm. The government gives you another two cows for free. You marvel at the growth in the economy.

Austrian Economics: You have two cows. You devise a cunning theory of behaviour in order to maximise their milk production. You write a book on this theory, but to your dismay, no one is willing to pay for it in gold bars.

Libertarianism: You have two cows. They graze next to you marijuana fields which you protect with an assault rifle. You fall out of favour with other farmers because you don’t know what Aleppo is.

America: You are the most successful cow farmer in the land. You notice a neighbouring farm is using inefficient farming methods. You deem this to be a national security threat and invade and occupy their farm, kill the farmer and remain there until you finish teaching the new farmer how to farm like you do.

Canada: You have two moose. Everyone laughs at your accent. You continue to be polite.

China: You have far too many cows to count, but millions of them die because you don’t know how to farm. After a while, you let the cows find their own pastures and your farm grows rapidly. You offer to build infrastructure on a neighbouring farm if they let your cows graze there in return.

Greece: You have 1 pig, but lie and tell the farmers union that you actually have 200 cows. You party on the beach and borrow cows from other farms until you have to pay them back, at which point they find out you really only had 1 pig and used all the cows to fund your partying on the beach. You convene with all the farm workers and it is agreed that you should party even harder to remedy the situation.

South Africa: You have twenty cows but you cannot use the milking machine because there is no electricity. You call the government numerous times to fix the problem. After months, the government arrives at your farm and deems that you have too many Friesland cows and requires you to replace them with Jersey cows to meet a quota. You do so, but you still cannot milk any of them because the electricity hasn’t been fixed.

Zimbabwe: You have many cows which you promise to distribute to your farm workers. Over time, you realise that you don’t have enough cows to give to all your workers, so instead you give them cardboard cut outs of cows. Realising the worthlessness of cardboard cows, your workers move to another farm.

Israel: You have two (((cows))). You farmland is very hostile to life and has infertile soil, but remarkably you are able to farm your (((cows))) successfully with the help of you friend who runs the most successful farm in the land. All the neighbouring farmers constantly attack you because they only want cows and not (((cows))) to be farmed in this land, but you’re a lawyer and sue them for this.

Donald Trump: You have a few hundred million sheep and promise them that you will build a big beautiful wall around their pastures to prevent cows from grazing on their land. The sheep love you for it. You don’t build a wall, but the sheep continue to love and admire you.

Antifa: You don’t own any cows and live in your mom’s basement. You see a neighbouring farm doing well. You deem this violence and you dress in black and destroy the neighbouring farm.

Alt-right: You’re convinced by a conspiracy theory that your cows are being killed in and so you bring back farming practices which killed millions of cows in the past in the hope off letting your superior cows survive. You get punched.

1^st  wave Feminism: You have one cow and one bull. You treat them equally.

3^rd wave Feminism: You have two bulls of the same breed. Distraught, you replace them with two cows of different breeds, one with blue fur and the other with a broken leg. You starve as your cows produce no milk.

Google: You run a very big farm. One day, a farm worker suggests that some of your practices may be inefficient and writes a memo with his suggestions of how to better the farm. You fire him because you know you’re the biggest farm in the land and his opinion is offensive to you.